So I've finally gotten around to making a new journal, about four months after I'd planned to.

("Ein Suender" means "a sinner" in German and it's something I feel is a negative attachment to me...)

So yeah. If you want to add me I'll add you back. My new journal is cest_lui ("It is he!" in French).

Regarding my last post: the reason I said I would look for a Jack Russell mix or a daschund mix was because my brother has a Jack-Russell/Daschund/”Other” mix who I know well and who is a wonderful little dog.

I guess I didn’t realize that she is probably the exception in terms of energy and required exercise and such, since she is only part Jack Russell (1/4, I think, and ¼ Daschund [her mother was JR and Daschund], and ½ “Other” [her father was a mutt]).

Since, if I adopt a dog, I’m not going to for a few months, I’m open to suggestions of breeds and breed mixes to look into. I want a small dog (not a large one), and I live in an apartment and have other small animals (birds, rats, snake, fish).

I'm sick again. I have a sore throat (negative for strep) and am tired and dead-feeling. I saw the doctor again and she said it was a virus infection, to drink lots of water and sleep more. Haha. Sleep more? With five classes, two jobs, an apartment to upkeep, and a thousand dates with hot men to go on (ok, that last part is imaginary...)

I'm going to adopt a dog, maybe, in May or June. I've decided to wait a long time to make sure I'm ready. I know that the animals I have now (rats, snake, birds, fish) require care and stuff, too, but I somehow feel like a dog is a bigger issue, that dogs are people too.

Anyway, I've already started contact with the local animal shelter and I'm looking for a daschund mix or a jack russell terrier mix.

I'm skipping my PE class because I'm too sick to walk and the doctor DID tell me to rest.

I'm finally in French 101, after a while of on-again, off-again self study.

Today in class our professor told us that the greeting "Salut!," if pronounced the wrong way, means something along the lines of "son of a bitch." What word or phrase did she mean? I don't want to call anybody a son of a bitch (immediately, anyway), but I am curious now and I don't know her well enough to come right out and ask her..

Grand merci!

(also posted in linguaphiles

Look at this picture. I find it amusing on so many levels.

I am having a lot of trouble reading Ayn Rand. I have a feeling that her ideas might be true, and that's disturbing. Atheism, selfishness as a virtue, and anti-charity are all things which scare me but which seem fundamental to her way of life (called Objectivism).

On face value I would dismiss all of her ideas as cold-hearted, naieve, and black-and-white, but the way she describes and elaborates her ideas makes them seem like the best thing ever. I don't know quite what to make of her and her philosophy.

She is the only person who has ever made atheism appeal to me.

To all the men on my friends list (when I thought of asking this question I realized most the people on my friends list are women)...how often do you get your hair cut?

I've had long long hair since I was 15 (going on 9 years) and I'm finally seriously considering cutting it all off, getting a short hair cut.

But in my adult life I've never had short hair so I don't know how often you need to get it cut.

Care to enlighten me?

One of the hottest men in the world is dead.

Boo hoo.

What's weird is that I learned of his death as I'm sitting here in the library working on a presentation on "The Psychology of death."

Can you lose weight in your fingers? One of my rings doesn't fit and it pisses me off.

Turtle Shell

An empty turtle shell
dry and white
sits cradled on my coffee table

I pick it up and shake it
hollow

Someone used to live here
God's little brother

Do baby hamsters have a different nutritive value than baby rats?

My hamster my neighbor gave me just gave birth yesterday morning and I can't possibly own 15 hamsters so they're going to get Co2ed and turned into snake food after they reach a certain size.

I went to mass tonight and people renewed their baptismal vows. I was one of two people who did not renew my vows (I've never been baptized). We also sang a beautiful song called Wade in the Water.

edit: This version is phenomenal, especially as it goes on:

The Mormons came.

Missionaries. Two of them. One really hot, one just kinda average. Both younger than me. But so hot. What can I say? I’m a chicken hawk, lol.

This is the umpteenth time they’ve come to my house. They are always surprised to knock on my door and see all the flamingos in my foyer and in my house house, some wearing feather boas, some wearing sunglasses, etc (I collect them). When they ask personal questions about me, it becomes obvious from my talking that I am gay and they’re invariably stunned when the answer to “What are you studying?” is “Religion.”

We talked about all the answers the Book of Mormon allegedly has and we read some of the Bible. One of the guys was really big on Moroni I invited myself to come to church with them, since I knew they were going to ask anyway. They seem startled that I would volunteer to come to church. And they were stunned that I had read the Book of Mormon twice and own a copy. I take it they don't usually get that.

I admire Mormon’s missionary zeal. I wish more Christians would get out and do that.

While we were standing and praying together, they prayed for me to find the truth in Mormonism and I prayed for them to find the Catholic Church. I confuse myself sometimes.

Did I mention they are hot? I see them again Saturday. I feel I have a lot to teach them.

It's snowing a lot...I'm excited because it's fun and kind of scared because I'm stranded as I travel on foot. I hope it melts before classes start Thursday, or I'm screwed. I can't call a cab every day...

Snow!

I'm so bored.

My birds have had 3 babies. One died, the other two have fledged and are adult. Now they have 2 more eggs and the two younger ones are in a separate cage trying to breed but I won't let them (I won't give them a nest). At this rate I'll have a zillion finches in a year.

I watched Brokeback Mountain for the first time last night. It made me cry.

I deleted my facebook account a few days ago because it seems so juvenile, all the stuff that happens on there. It's not that LJ doesn't, but rather that I've had LJ for years and years longer so I decided to keep only one.

I'm sitting in Woods Penn in the cafe area (for those of you who know where that is) and there is not a single person in the building other than Public Safety and me.

I'm just sitting here reading about the history of Austria and listening to Tracy Chapman.

Did I mention that I'm bored?

I'm lonely. This is the part I hate most about Christmas: everybody leaves to go see their families and I am here alone. At least in years past the international students were all around me but since I'm off-campus this year, I'm really feeling the loneliness. Wal-Mart closed (the one day of the year it's closed) and of course all the "normal" businesses are closed except a Chinese restaurant. My cousin Emily was supposed to visit me, but she couldn't come because my uncle is dying of kidney cancer in the hospital.

I've cleaned my house, every single room, balanced my checkbook, changed 50% of the water in my 35gal tank, fed the birds, snake, rats, etc. There's just nothing else left to do and I'm BORED and LONELY...

So I talked to a priest yesterday morning...at length, about a lot of things.

One thing that I talked about was how I don't see the difference in the Orthodox and the [Roman] Catholic churches I've been to. The priest said that the Catholic and Orthodox churches are "sister churches" (his words). I then, with trepidation, asked how he sees Protestant churches. He said most of them are "cousin churches," not as "in full truth" as the Catholic and Orthodox church, but still mostly in truth.

He said that "all baptized Christians" are followers of Christ [i.e. Christians], whether they're part of the sister churches, or a cousin church. He didn't outright say it, but it was implied and I gathered that those who are unbaptized are not Christian. This includes Quakers (and, of course, Salvationists...we're the two groups of Christians who do not baptize).

So I was thinking about it a lot. And I realized that as an individual, I am not in the "sister" category obviously, and, apparently not even in the "cousin" category. I'm an adopted step-twin's nephew's dog. But if you sprinkle water on my head and say the right word, I'm a sistah.

Uh, no.

--

We discussed how I am drawn to Christ's suffering and how it pains me a lot how we as modern society live so poshly and don't suffer enough. I could tell the priest was not on my side, because he just didn't really get it. Instead of emphasizing suffering, he emphazied the after part, why suffering mattered and such. I can see the validity of his approach, but he doesn't place enough emphasis on the suffering itself, I am convinced.

He also called Simone Weil (one of my heroes) "sad." I agreed then that her case was sad, but upon thinking about it, I don't think it was sad in the way he probably meant it.

--

I also was thinking about why, since I was a young child, being a nun has always appealed to me. I never ever wanted to be a monk, only a nun. As non-sensical as it may sound (I am not a woman), I always looked up to nuns with awe and respect, and I believe Mother Teresa is one of the most generous people of the 20th century. Despite having read numerous biographies of and memoirs by monks or priests, (such as Merton or Nouwen) I never wanted to be a monk. I even tried to make myself want to be a priest or monk and it never happened.

Then it occured to me, today or yesterday (I can't remember), the way I have figured things out: monks and priests are married to the Church.

Nuns are married to Christ.

I want to be married to Christ.

To locals: Punjab apparently burned to the ground.

http://www.wlextv.com/global/story.asp?s=7440022

Ever feel like you repeat the same general crises and dramas in your life, over and over, year in and year out? How do you break the cycle? I just feel too old to be dealing with some of my kinds of "issues."

I've realized that for 23 years I've started over and over again and again but the thing that's kept me from succeeding is that I've never gone back to step 1 and dealt with all my childhood abuse issues fully. I've dealt with them in a kind of indirect way but I've never sat down and just spilled them out and dealt with them.

I'm also starting to believe I may be under a long-running spiritual attack. I know that sounds like something a batshit crazy person would say, and that's why it's taken me two years to write it. I am seeing a priest again soon. He's a Catholic priest...different from the guy I saw before, who I really liked and connected with. I'm nervous about it.

I know I'm either on the verge of a stunning, life-affirming breakthrough or a complete and total nervous collapse and institutionalization.

What's your opinion on online personal ads?

I live in a small town and go to a small college. My therapist is encouraging me to meet like-minded people outside the little bubble that is Berea College. I agree with her that this would be a good step towards better mental health: when everybody knows everybody, a socio-emotional cesspool develops and becomes stagnant. X dates Y who used to date Z, who in turn is best friends with C who used to date Y, who used to date B, and B, Y, and A work together whereas Z, A, and C live in the same place. That sort of thing, that doesn't work.

I think my therapist doesn't realize how difficult it is to find gay men when there are no bars (alcohol is illegal in this town, for Mary's sake!) or other such establishments. So I placed a few personal ads saying I was looking for friends.

Fifteen men replied to me in two days, only 2 of whom had pictures or their names listed, and only 3 of whom were under 30, ALL of them wanting immediate sex. I don't know much about other people or cultures, but "friendship" for me does not include ass plowing. Sorry.

I've come to the conclusion that without a car and without an independent source of money, I simply can't meet similar people outside the college.

This is disturbing even if you don't speak a word of German.

My vegetarianism has moved from being "just" an ethical thing to a religious belief but originally this is why I became a vegetarian.